I found a picture of you today...

Life simply does not make sense, lord knows not everything is supposed to but overall I think that it should.

Ever since the day you left I have seen ever increasing signs that speak to me of your name. Songs that remind me of you, I change the station yet another song of something that again reminds me of you. It has gotten so bad that I have had to turn off the radio. Requently my iPod would also play songs that reminded me of you and thus had to remove them from the library.

Many restless nights have gone by and I hear your voice on the wind. There is not a moment that goes by that you are not on my mind. No matter how hard I push the thought of you away you still show up in the back of my mind. Things have gotten so bad that I can not even push you from my dreams anymore.

Will I ever see you again? I do not know. Right now I can't say that I want to. My heart yearns for what it can not have and breaks at every agonizing thought. No matter what I do or what I say, you are always within my heart. I do not understand why I still care this much. Two months have passed and not a word. I know you are gone for heaven's sake you have chosen another over I and yet my heart has yet to realize that no matter how badly we may want something that does not mean we shall ever get it no matter how hard we work towards our goal.

Lord knows I am not mad at you. I can not even begin to understand this. I am not mad. I want to be. I am not and can not muster up the emotion. My heart pleads for your happiness. You are the drug my veins crave. Always the first thing I think of every morning, even now, and still the last thing I think of before I go to sleep.

As I have told many I hope you are happy for two reasons. One, that you are happy because your happiness is of the utmost importance. Two, if you are happy then you will never try to find me again. You will never want me to see you again and...

Last friday I went for a bike ride and was so happy to see just the simple things in life. Then as I was passing a playground I saw so many children there with their parents and it got me thinking. Every day that thought crosses my mind in one way shape or form. Some days I am able to push through it others I have to bury my mind in some type of vice. Working out, sleeping, reading, something to break the train of thought that always leads me into insanity.

Why do I still feel this way.

I found pictures of you today. I thought I had deleted all of them. Amusingly enough I still remember them even though they have been deleted. Alas I did not get them all. I found on my wii numerous pictures of you. I couldn't help but stare and cycle through them.

I love you so much. I miss you so much. I can't let go no matter how hard I try. I would give anything to make you happy even still. I do not understand why. I hear we are all fools in love. I never understood that but I know what it means.

...I may no longer be on your mind but you are forever on mine. I pray every day for your happiness. May God always watch over you and keep you safe. May you always be happy. I'm trying but even as I sit, I wish you were here and I do not understand. We all have our moments and lord knows I have mine more than most lately. I have no regrets I really don't. I knew even at the beginning of january I would lose you. I am happy for the time I spent with you and thankful for the lessons I have learned. I just wish they had not been instilled so painfully.

I hope you have children soon. I know how badly you want them. You will be a marvelous mother. yes you will...

"May the wind always be at your back, the sun upon your face, and the wings of destiny carry you aloft to dance with the moon, and should you miss never fear, for even though you are not on the moon you are among the stars"

I love you Holly so much. I hope and pray you live well.

~Sleven

sometimes love needs a fighting chance... so i'll wait my turn until it's our turn to dance.

question is, who to and when.

PS: I love you