Diamond in the rough

Alright I am not exactly sure what to think anymore but I am convinced that something is in the works. The signs are all around me. The most frustrating thing is I am uncertain as to what they are.

Anyone who knows me knows I love movies to death and I tend to drift towards certain ones when times are rough. One movie I will only ever watch with a certain someone. One of my favorites to watch though is The Notebook. I for some reason have a partialness to that along with what dreams may come. I know I am capable of such things. In any case I have decided not to look for anything anymore. I by no means am ready for any type of relationship even though I would love one. All I know for sure is I want my holly back, the diamond in the rough, which takes years to cultivate and once done so such beauty radiates through the cosmos.

Baby, wherever you are, all I can say is if you are a bird I am a bird. If you think of writing from the time you get up to the time you sleep you are a writer, if you can only think of video games from the time you wake till the time you sleep you are a gamer, if you can only think about one woman night and day from the time you wake up from the time you slumber you are in love and such a lover.

This is not a feeling I ever expected to have so soon in my life and this is a bond that will last and last like that energizer bunny from hell. Tears me apart finding a unicorn only to have the thing disappear into the realm of the surreal but that is what seems to have happened for now. This girl is always elusive as a fox impossible to catch. Someday I hope I will find my foxy lady but in the mean time I guess I will have to wait as I have always done except with this time a renewed sense of hope. Hope that I see her again. All I know is that I have searched long and hard for someone to love when one fell in my lap.

At the time I had no idea what I was doing. I had complete lack of experience and was willing to learn. While I am adept at learning things quickly, not all things are so. I lost what was most precious to me and hope some day to get it back.

This time I'll sit and wait. I know what I want in my life, even though the path seems so foggy right now. I rarely seem to understand people and what they say though I try my hardest.

All I know right now is I am waiting.
I will wait.
Have I changed? I do not believe so, some think I have; others think as I.

I write in my own journal frequent enough to realize, after a even only a quick glance, the passion within the pages.

"I do not love you as if you were a salt rose, or topaz
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep."
~Pablo Neruda

All I know is that the day I told you this; to this day I feel this magnified by each passing moment. Many understand such emotion but only those who have gone through the trials and tribulations of love. I have my highs and my lows always attempting to catch some sense of balance only to be knocked back down by a memory.

I love, I do not know from where, how or why, but I do. And that is all I know for sure.

Time apart has thought me things. I read over and over "how to win friends and influence people" a certain book in which I am always attempting to apply the principles within. I fail, as all people do, but I keep trying and everyday I make progress. I do make progress and of this I am proud.

Again I address the one whom I love with all my heart and soul. I do not know where you are, of you think, or even how you feel. It breaks my heart to be away from you so and I think about you all the time. I want you badly and as said before would do anything and everything for you. Even if that means letting you go that is what I will have to come to terms with. Know there is always a place for you in my life should you choose it. I want you and I always will. Love needs a fighting chance and we sometimes need to give it a nudge and chip in to help. I hope you come back, after finding whatever it is you need. Should you not I understand. No matter what you do be happy. Stay true to yourself and to the ones you love. Follow your heart, it will never lead you astray. Always listen to your heart why? Once you have heard it once you can never keep it quiet again. :)

I am curious though, took Alli 7 years, wonder how long it will take my baby to find her way. :)

Would be awful nice to have a map right about now...

~Sleven

P.S. I love you