The Life We Live

I have someone-what thought of who is going to read this. Few if any, of this I already know. Those who know me well know that I go on random rants from time to time and this shall be no exception.

Anyone choosing to read this I do greatly appreciate your time. You are under no obligation to read and do so out of pure curiosity.

I am 20 years old and close to my 21st birthday. I in reality am not that old. In this short time I have had on this globe that revolves around the sun I have done many things. Some of these things I take great pleasure in knowing that what I have done, will in part, be remembered by others for at least a few years to come. Other things in my life I am not proud of.

I saw the family man by nicolas cage tonight and it made me think about my own life. The way things could have turned out. The right words, the right actions. What really matters in the life of a human being.

I have only ever loved one person in this world up till this point. I have no regrets, only pangs of sadness in my heart. Those that know me already know whom I am speaking of and needs no introduction.

We had gone through two and a half years of hell. We fought. What our disaster of a relationship was felt by many. People on both sides told us the other was terrible, the other no good, the other not deserving of the other due to some pain or agony that befell the individual in question due the the action or be it, in action, of another.

I am here to tell anyone who is willing to listen, that no matter how better off either party may be, no matter what the pain or strife, the heartbreak or betrayal, the harm done to either person, I would not trade a single moment of what I felt, or what I learned for anything else in this world. Why? The good times made up for every problem. No matter what the issue. I would never have traded that for anything. Why my family asked me so many times, do you care about her so, do you not see what she does to you? Do you not feel what is going on? Can you not see what is happening to you?

Yes I see it, I felt it. I didn't care. I do not care. Because I love her.

No, I am not ok. No I am not fine. No things are not going to be ok.

I will have to live with the fact I lost the only person I have ever truly loved in such a special way.

I think about her every. single. day.

I envy what she now has. It pains me to know I will never ever see her again.
I will never hold her again.
I will never be able to show her the world beyond worlds, the place for just her and I.

The things that only I can show her and make her feel.

This pain will not go away I fear for quite some time. I have formed new methods of escape, some of which remind me too painfully of you though at the same time offer relief from my despair.

I have my good moments among my bad moments. Such is life and that is to be expected.
Even when it happened I never believed I could stay committed to one person for the rest of my life. Family was something that other people had, not me.

When I finally admitted the way I felt and told her I would never deny it again I meant it and still do. I am more confused now that I ever will be I think, though emotions are a dangerous thing. Everyday is...difficult.

I still remember the face, the touch the scent...
I remember conversations about how we would be, the life that would happen, plans made in the future to make things work out. Always afraid for the future, but even through that extreme fear, at least for me, joy sheer joy gripped my heart.

The plan of having a place of our own...
I enjoyed the thought of things being overwhelming impossible to deal with with the stress and weight of the world on my shoulders... and realizing at the same time that I would not trade that for anything else because I would have you by my side.

I relished at the thought of having children. I remember, hehe, I remember thinking and talking to her about her being large, so large she was going to burst with a child inside of her. God I wanted her to be pregnant so badly...

Always so beautiful in my eyes no matter what happened. Whatever life experience threw our way we would be fine. Hell we survived so many things, our history, hell I will write a novel about it.

But...

there will be no children...
there will be no place of our own...
there will be no future...

Our last conversation was filled with strife. My "calm and cool composure" completely eradicated replaced by utter fear and despair.

...When I see others...Happy with their partner I envy them. I see children... I envy their parents though I know the work that goes into it.

I have a nephew and never before was I so happy to see him. So happy to see a child that I could play with. I envy my brother.

I hate sleeping anymore. Every dream is full of sadness for me. Sure enough the dream is just that a dream, imagining the things I want most and feeling utter joy only to wake and know that what I dreamt will never happen. I must return to my life the way it is, uncertain of...anything anymore.

...nothing is true... everything is permitted.

To question why things happen is to question the nature of the universe itself and while that may be a fun conversation to have... in the end, it really does not get anyone too far in life.

I never thought losing someone could ever be this hard.

She asked me over and over again... Could you live without me? my answer, true answer... was always no. Not really.

So far I am true to that. I always said no, but I would have to find a way to do so. I do not want to, life is always in flux, and we must flow with it if we wish to survive. Though, I can not say I am to unhappy with the idea but that is never a true option.

For sanity's sake I want to let go. I can't. I do not want to. My intuition all the time creeps up on me. Something isn't right. Hasn't been for a long time. I feel it all the time. I do not know what it is.

I did a lot of things wrong, and I knew it when we had to say goodbye, even before that. I had started working on things for a bit. I have to remember one simple fact though.

I wasn't good enough for her. Never was and I knew that.
Always listen to the thoughts and opinions of others. Never came around me even when I begged and pleaded. Claimed all the time I was hers but would tell no one about me and kept me away.

I hope she is happy with the man she has chosen. I really do hope she is happy. Clearly he was good enough. Good for him. I just hope he knows what he holds in his arms. I hope he knows what he holds.

Never have I loved someone so badly that tore me apart. Never have I had to let what I loved so badly, go. I have never had to give up what I have desired with every last inch of my heart. I have to let go. I do not know how.

Why God do we mortals have to go through experiences that tear us to the core of our being, that mark us so. Though there may be an answer I do not believe it will give me what my heart craves.

I have to find a way to say goodbye...

Goodbye Holly,

Gerry

P.S. I love you...