Anger

It is very easy for me to say it now. It took for long for me to figure it out but I have not forgiven you and I can't forgive you until you start taking steps to do the right thing. I am livid with you. I thought I was over my anger for you but every single time I talk with you it wells up like a storm. I am tired of your coming and goings. I never have your full attention. There is always something wrong. Every time we speak there is something wrong, nothing is ever new, and there is anger on both sides. Whether it be passive aggressive or not, there is always a presence, always a conflict, always sadness that exists in that conversation.

I am tired of it. I can not forgive you with you living the life you are living. You tell me you are trying. You ask me for understanding, but you know what? I do not owe you a single thing. It is YOU who left, it is YOU who called me, it is YOU who is sick, it is YOU who has gotten yourself so twisted into your current predicament that is pains you so.

I care about you greatly but I can not live in such a manner as this. This is not alright. This is not ok. There are many actions that can be taken to make things right, but I will never be able to forgive you as long as things remain the way they are. I will forever be angry at you until you do what is right.

I require action. Things are difficult for you that I do understand but it is hard to have sympathy for someone who continues to bash their own head into a wall and claim it hurts. No kidding it hurts, stop doing things that are clearly counter intuitive to your survival.

You claim that you can wait for me to do something but when I tell you when I am free you shun me. I will not drop everything I am doing for you any longer. It is not right and is not fair to me. You want to talk to me make yourself available. I am tired of giving you of all people, who refuse to make things right, who refuse to take action, to passively aggressively drive me up a wall. You want to speak with me then speak with me. I am tired of you making excuses for me. You want to say something then say it.

This is something that I am having the greatest of all difficulties in controlling. I do not know how to get rid of it if things do not change. All I know for sure is that things can not remain the way they are if you expect me to be happy with you. I am not going to continue to support someone who only brings grief to my life. This has gone on for long enough. Years this has gone on with relatively few times when we were truly happy. Why in the world would you want to wait for this?

We fight all the time, you are never happy, I am always frustrated and impatient when it comes to you doing the right thing. I require action of all people and you require patience and understanding. Understanding I am good at but not patience. I am tired of you always doing opposite of what I suggest so I do not tell you anything anymore. I am tired of talking to you because it takes an hour to say what should only take a few minutes.

What I do understand is that love speaks truly through actions and not through words. Words are pretty but they do not keep you warm at night like the action of going over to the one you love and sharing your body heat with them. Holding them and showing them that you love them as opposed to saying "I love you".

I will always require action, and if you can not learn that, if you can not understand that, if you do not act upon that, then I tell you for sure this moment, no relationship no matter how much you claim to love me, will ever work.

I require action. Do something that I can see. I have been waiting for far too long, and you know better than this. I am tired of excuses. You want something tell me, show me. You want to talk then talk. You can't always get what you want and neither can I but there are certain things I will never compromise on, and this is one of them.

Dear God help me with patience because Lord knows I ran out a long time ago and where I am borrowing what I am using, I have no idea.